Tuesday, March 9, 2010

to know then, what I know now

Ever have those days where you look back on decisions you've made and cringe? It happens to me all the time.

My junior year in high school was chock full of terrible judgment and moral-lacking choices and every time I think about things I did in 2003/2004 I die a little inside. I thought I was so cool by doing things I knew were wrong and that I was showing how much I didn't care what either people thought by defying the double standard that says boys can do what they want while girls get called bad names for doing the same things. But really? I was just lost and dumb.
I lost friends over meaningless trysts that I thought nobody would find out about. I prided myself on not being like a silly girl and getting too attached and clingy, but drama followed me everywhere, all of it caused by my stupid decisions.

BUT, If there was any chance that I could go back in time and change things, I am not sure if I would.

While the things I did may have made a lot of girls (and a few boys) dislike me, I learned so much from the mistakes I made. I learned how to let insults roll off my back, how to enter a room where nobody liked me and still hold my head high and how to form with a comeback that stung without making me out to be the bad person.

However I wish I could have learned those lessons without losing a little bit of myself along the way and hurting a few people I really cared about.

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