Tuesday, July 23, 2013

delivery feelings.

When talking to my friends the other week about our delivery stories, I realized just how different all of our labors were. One friend had a c-section, another had to endure forceps and suction, two friends pushed for what seemed like forever and then me & my friend LP both struggled with preeclampsia. Which is what I am going to post about today.

So, before I begin this post I feel like I need to go ahead and say one thing. I hate to even type this but… I am aware of how blessed I am that I had a healthy baby. I know that my husband and I were blessed enough to have a baby and to not have struggled to expand our family. And I realize that things could have been a lot worse. So nobody really needs to remind me that I should be grateful that my child didn’t have to spend weeks in the NICU or that I don’t need to complain since there are some people out there who can’t even have kids. Because as I said, I am aware. And I pray, and hate it for those who had these kind of issues.

That being said, I am sharing this for one purposeNot for pity that I didn't have a regular, run-of-the-mill deliver.  I am sharing this because I want to share it. I want someone out there with preeclampsia who is scared of what's ahead to be reassured that things might be bad, but they will pass. That it is okay to not look like a super model after your delivery like all the girls on Pinterest (and it's okay if you look absolutely amazing too ). 

When I posted about the days leading up to, and the actual day that I had Sawyer, I did a basic time-line of what went down. (read here) But I never talked about how I felt. How scared I was knowing that my delivery wasn't going to be "normal". How disappointed I was that I didn't have all the things I wanted with me for the big day. How angry I was at myself because I felt like it was my fault that I couldn't keep my blood pressure under control and Sawyer was going to have to come early because of it.

a very swollen me, sitting with my feet propped up at my baby shower almost a month before Sawyer was born
I didn't mention in that post that I didn't want any photos taken of me while I was in the hospital because I felt so disgusting. In moments where I should have been overjoyed and ready to share pictures of me, Josh and my brand-new-son with the world, all I could think about was how gross I felt because of the magnesium and how bad I looked with so much swelling. Instead of focusing on what an amazing miracle I was holding and how blessed I was that despite an "abnormal" delivery, I had a very healthy and precious baby boy - all I could think was, "I am disgusting."

Later when I Googled "preeclampsia delivery" and "magnesium sulfate drip and delivery" I felt so much better. Hundred and thousands of mothers had posted about how they hadn't had the energy to hold their child or how they couldn't even focus on how amazing their baby was because they were so out of it from the drugs. I realized that I wasn't alone.

I remember seeing this picture of me and being so upset... (despite it being a great shot, Michelle)
But that doesn't change how ashamed I am at how vain I was/am. But it's real, it's the truth. When I looked at pictures of my friends smiling and posing in their hospital beds holding their newborns and just radiating life, I wanted to cry. I have to remind myself that I am not smiling and radiant in my pictures because I felt absolutely horrible and had a BP hovering around 180/110 and was hooked to a bag of a drug famous for making people feel like they have the flu (stupid Mag).

never had I been more happy to have a blurred face.
After I was able to eat for the first time in 3 days, and shower for the first time in our 4 day hospital stay, I felt so much better. The magnesium wore off, my stitches didn't hurt so bad and I felt like a "normal", tired mother to a newborn. That horrible feeling didn't last forever and I was so happy to take every picture I could with my Sawbug and Josh. 
a much happier photo taken two months later at PirateFest (another shot by Josh's cousin Michelle)
So sister-friends out there, trust me in saying that it gets better. And that it's okay not to feel amazing and happy and beautiful after giving birth, and it's okay if you do too. And if this post made you never want to have a baby ever, sorry... 


  1. I'm SO glad you shared this, especially because you prefaced it the way you did. Every single birth story is different and this one is completely yours. No one should shame you from sharing because it wasn't more traumatic or didn't have more dire results. At the end of the day, you have the right to share your story and I'm sure there will be plenty of people out there who can relate!

  2. Thank you for posting this, and as eloquently as you did. I had my son at home, and it was a wonderful experience, but I caught a lot of backlash for it. My delivery with my son was very normal, but there were a few hiccups after delivery. Everyone kept telling me that if I had just gone to a hospital like a "normal" person than this wouldn't have happened. No what would have happened would have meant a surgery for me and no time with my husband and baby.

    God watches out for all of us. And at the end of the day, all that matters is that sweet baby in your arms. And never be ashamed of your story, it is yours. You own it. Tell it as loud as you like. And I think, you looked beautiful in your pictures.