friends and letting go

warning: this is a kind of heavy post for a Monday morning. 

I've lost friends. Not in the sense that I've had friends die (thank goodness), but in the sense that people who were a huge part of me and who had been my best friends for the majority of my life became strangers.

Well, for Christmas I got the fifth season of "True Blood" and I watched the episode last night where a character asked to have his memory of his best friend and his ex-girlfriend wiped so that he no longer had to deal with the hurt they had caused him. It reminded me a lot of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind  when a couple had the memories of each other wiped from their minds after their relationship ended badly.

And it made me think, if I could, would I wipe my then friends, now strangers from my memory?

I don't think I would.

Not because I still want to be friends with them, because some times friends take different paths and grow apart. But because I don't want to forget what our lives used to be like together.

The laughs, inside jokes, the people they were, and I was when we were still friends - all those things shaped me into what I am. I learned lessons along the road during our friendship, I also learned some through the loss of our friendship too.

Don't get me wrong. It still hurts to think about them. Birthdays pass, special occasions, engagements, weddings, showers and births, and I pretend they aren't happening. I ignore the "Wish insert name here a Happy Birthday" message on Facebook, or pretend like I don't see the pictures from showers and parties.

I could be the bigger person. What if I just called them up and said, "I forgive you and I apologize for all things I said and did too". But I don't, because I am not sure if any of us even know where or when the friendship ended.  

I realize too that I don't know the people they've become and they don't know me either. They're not the only ones to blame, I changed too. In fact, I probably changed the most. I am not the person I was when we were friends.

We are in a strange limbo between no longer friends and not quite enemies. Hurtful things were said, mean things happened, and the result was this strange space between us. But despite the way it ended, I will never forget happier moments we shared in the 20 some years we were best friends.

In the end, I still have an amazing group of friends with whom there is no limbo space.

I have my tailgate crew....

And my hometown girls...

And while there is still a part of me that longs for the connection I had with the friends I lost, I know that in the end, I am more than blessed with the friendships I have.

Crockpot Honey Apple Pork Loin

Our local Food Lion had a HUGE sale on pork loins last week, and not being able to pass up a good bargain I snatched up two... then realized I don't really have any recipes to cook these jokers with.

So, I hit up Pinterest and found this delicious recipe at "Born to Pharm" for a "Honey Apple Pork Loin" then just made some of my own little changes. It's even gluten free. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

• 2 to 3 lb. boneless pork loin roast
• 1/4 tsp. nutmeg
• 2 or 3 apples, cored and sliced (peel left on)
• 4 T. honey (approx)

Directions:

1. Core and slice your apples and place them in the bottom of the crockpot and sprinkle with nutmeg.

2. Slice the pork loin into 1/2 to 3/4 inch sections, not cutting all the way through, just cutting little slits. Pour a little honey inside each slit (I just kind of winged it, put as much as you want).

3. Place one of the apple wedges (the ones not in the crockpot already) inside each slit.

4. Place the pork loin in the crockpot on top of the apples and sprinkle with more nutmeg and honey (if you want).

5. Cook on low for 6 to 8 hours and then shred with a fork (it will be that tender).

I added some more honey & nutmeg when I got home, just to boost the flavor and it was amazing.

January Goals

Every year, I write a post about what my BIG GOALS for the year are going to be as part of my new year's resolutions. They always include things like lose a billion pounds or read the entire bible in a year. And guess what? I never succeed.

So, this year I am making myself monthly goals that will change, be added to or maybe just remain the same each month (whatever strikes my fancy come the end of the previous month).

1. Refill my water three times
That may sound strange, but I do not drink anywhere near enough water now that I am not sweating to death at the brewery (I drank 4 Bubba Keg's full of water a day there). So in January I want to drink enough that I have to refill it 3 times!

2. No bagels from downstairs
Pure and simple, stop eating a toasted plain bagel with strawberry cream cheese from the restaurant downstairs at work. Just stop.

3. Take the stairs every morning.
This is going to be a big change. I work on the third floor of my building and there are two flights of stairs between each floor and I wear a lot of heels. But, if I can start out at least going up the stairs in the mornings every day and then eventually use them in the afternoons too, I will feel much less lazy.

4. TWO cups of coffee
This is a must do. I drink around 4 to 5 cups of coffee a day and it has to stop. My blood pressure has been too high and it is just too much caffeine for someone already so high strung. So for January, I am going to slowly ween myself from so much coffee by drinking only two in the mornings.

5. Do my daily devotion in the mornings
I have a habit of waiting until right before I go to bed to do my devotion and it usually ends in my falling asleep before I can either finish the devotion or pray (I blame the devil). So, I am going to start doing them in the mornings so I start my day on a positive note. Side note: David Jeremiah has a great free daily devotional that is delivered by email you can sign up for it here

6. Go to the gym 4 days a week
Starting out small here with no set YOU MUST LOSE 3 LBS BY TOMORROW goal. I want to drag my butt to the rec at least 4 days out of the week. Getting myself there is my goal for now.

Here's to making 2014 a year full of accomplishments!